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Jan. 7th, 2005 @ 01:13 pm Blah
I'd just like to point out that I am sick of certain things. I don't like having to be the way I am, but I find myself with no other alternative. If I make plans with someone, I usually call them a day or two beforehand in order to confirm plans, otherwise I get stood up (or have in the past because of certain unreliable people that shall remain nameless). So for future reference, if I make plans with you, I would greatly appreciate it if I didn't have to confirm. Maybe someone confirm with me--make sure I'm not gonna stand YOU up.

I sometimes feel with my 'friendships' that it's a bit one sided. People take my calling all the time for granted. I call all the time to maintain friendships with people, but I also think that perhaps if I didn't, they'd dwindle and cease to exist. That's my thought.

So as far as people with trench coats and gum on their footwear are concerned, I RESIGN!*

--Katie Scarlett




*Disclaimer: I don't really resign, though I'd like to very much. There's something so deliciously intriguing about that whole situation though.
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Jan. 4th, 2005 @ 10:04 pm Another Day
So today was day 2 of my winter class... Damn this is tough cramming a semesters worth of material into two weeks. Hard stuff. I'm gonna end up writing about 21 pages worth of business policy and strategy over the next couple weeks. Not to mention all the reading that goes along with writing all that junk.

I guess I do it to myself though.

I'm still moving all my crap out of my mother's house. I made a big dent in it today. She wants all my shit out of there in a week's time. She's angry with me. Whatever.

Things I still have to pack:

-SHOES!
-Stuffed animals
-Christmas presents
-video game systems
-Random pieces of furniture
-trinkets and breakables (all my Italy stuff, which if you know me, is a lot)

Not that bad though!

So anyway... I still have to sew a bunch of shit as well... such as my mom's table runner, a shower curtain and regular curtains for the bathroom, a dress and tanktop outfit for Valiant, and a bunch of other crap I can't remember... I believe I wanted to fix a couple dresses and a cape as well. I don't have time to do everything.

So anyway, I talked to the financial aid people yesterday, and basically this is what I got out of the conversation:

I can't become an independent student unless my parents beat me and I cut off contact with them completely. Neat huh? So it doesn't matter that I'm not living with my mother and that neither parent is contributing to my college education. No, misery sells. You can only get money if you get thrown down a flight of stairs and if someone beats the shit out of you. Yay.

So that's ridiculous. My mom's angry with me because she said that I had poor timing in telling her about my move. She said that she's angry because we didn't get to discuss it and I told her right after she told me about a lump in her breast... So yeah, she's probably right about bad timing.

Her and Steve are looking at a huge house about four houses down from Jenn on the street I used to live on... and they're both quitting smoking. My mom said that I can still move back, but I refuse to at this point because I've already started this and I'll be damned if I'm backing out now. And that's that.

My eye's been twitching lately... I think I'm stressed...
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Jan. 3rd, 2005 @ 09:48 am Damn Me
Okay, so I'm on a self-deprecation kick again, and don't anyone try to stop me!!!

I'm so disproportionate. Dude, if you look at me from the belly button up, I look little, but then you look at me from the navel down, and it's like BAM! Hips and ass. And thighs. Goodness gracious can we talk about the thighs for a moment please? Prominent thighs. And I can't even make 'em smaller, they just get more muscular and manly as time goes by.

So yes, I had a hell of a time finding an outfit to wear this morning. My grandmother says I look like an old hen with some of the clothes I wear. Thanks Nan. Then again, she said that I have a cute ass, and 'you can't just grow one of these.' My God some of the things that come out of her mouth. I'm so glad she's my roomie :) But yeah, I kept looking at myself from the side and all I thought was how I look like two different people from the waist up and waist down. Jiminy Crickets.

Grr. In order to be "pattern proportionate" as I'd like to be because it will make making costumes a hell of a lot easier, I have to either lose 1.5 inches off my waist, and 2 inches off my hips, or grow 2 inches on my chest. Then still I'll be a size 12 in patterns. Isn't that messed up?? Fucking patterns. In order to be a size 6 pattern, you have to have a 23" waist. Isn't that insane? Shannon would be a size 10! Insanity, I tell you. So anyway, chances of the chest thing happening is nill so I'm gonna work on the hip thing. I'm flat and heavy... oh those are desirable qualities in an iron, but not a human.

I try to tell myself that at least I won't get breast cancer like the rest of my family, but somehow, it's not satisfying enough. I just barely have a handful. ::sniffle::

Today I have tons of stuff to do, so I'm off. Like a prom dress even. Not that any of my prom dresses fit me anymore! They're strapless and all fall down because I don't have anything to hold them up anymore!! Damn 36C's come back!!

--Scarlett
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Jan. 2nd, 2005 @ 08:40 pm Happy New Year
First off I'd like to say that I feel that I've been censoring my journal. I can't stand that, and I really feel that with a live journal I can't be completely honest unless entries are private. Then I end up telling half a story in a public entry and finishing with the details in the private one, which is really ridiculous. This is a journal and I shouldn't have to do that... so here goes my 'uncensored' entry...

Sanford and I tried to get Avenue Q tickets but we didn't get called in the lottery... so that sucks.

I went to NY for New Years as I previously stated.

I arrived in the city at approximately 5PM on Thursday night. Sanford picked me up at Port Authority and we then went back to his place to drop my crap off. Unfortunately for me, I forgot my car charger at home so my phone was constantly low or off.

Then Sanford and I hung out and we decided to go to dinner. Then we went back to his place and watched Monster... it's a movie with the hot chick from Italian Job, but MAN was she ugly in this movie. Good job acting though. Kudos.

So the next day Sanford and I tried to get the Avenue Q tickets and failed. We walked around the city and hung out until about 3 when I decided to hit the island. Jay picked me up w/ Lisa at the Hicksville train station. We then went booze shopping and I picked up a bottle of Captain. We then went to Borders and I returned my Sondheim collection for a new unused copy. Bwahaha.

Next stop was Jay's new house in Islip where I took a shower and then got ready for New Year's Eve. Craig then met me there, and we dropped off my crap at his place. His friend Ryan, or "Bobo" as the folk call him, picked us up and then we went to Craig's friend, Merle's house for food.

Next stop was "Fat Paul's" house, where the games began. I started drinking, which was fun. Realized I hate the Captain. Yuck. Luckily Jay had given me a bottle of Fire and Ice. It tastes like burning mouthwash with cinnamon. Yum. I got a bit inebriated, which is always a blast. I was a tired drunk that night, to be honest.

Craig and I kind of curled up on Paul's couch while we waited for the cab that never came to get us. Paul's dad ended up driving us to "Scooch's" house. This was the next party...

(I'd like to say that I rang in the new year while using the facilities and I was on the phone with Amy. What a start!)

So the next party. This was the party that consisted of Craig's friends from the movie theatre. Craig drank a wee bit much. Keep in mind, Craig is about 6' tall and weighs as much as I do. He drank: at least 3/4 of my bottle of Captain Morgan, an Irish car bomb (or two?), a few beers, and a few hits of my Fire and Ice. CONGRATULATIONS CRAIG! YOU'RE MY HERO.

I, of course, being the platonic life partner, rubbed his back and took care of him while he threw up all my precious alcohol. Poor dear. I think Jay was right when he told me "you really know who you truly care about when you're holding their hair back over the toilet. You have one of two reactions. It's either 'ugh, I can't fucking believe I'm doing this, you asshole.' or 'it's okay, honey, just let it all out.' Of course, my reaction was the latter. Luckily by this time, I was sobering up.

We made about three trips to the bathroom and each time, I made sure he gargled with Listerine. In this drunken state, though, there was more than platonic activity occurring. Not that I minded.

So then we were leaving, and Craig was stumbling all about. We made it to the car and back to his house where he watered his bush with his bile, and I opened the house door. He then took his contacts out and went into the shower. I warned him that if he wasn't out in ten minutes, I was coming in after him.

I dozed off, however, and woke up 40 minutes later. Still no Craig. Shower still running. No answer when I knocked. Then I start flipping out. I looked in Craig's room and the kitchen to find anything that could open the door. No dice. So then I call his phone, and knock lightly on the door. Niente.

I accidentally woke up his sisters and I started crying because I thought one of my best friends was unconscious in the bathtub, or worse, dead. They woke up his father, who then took care of things. I said it before, and I'll say it again: CRAIG, if you ever fucking do that to me again, I will make sure you're really dead.

The end of New Years.

New Years Day: I got to be Craig's shadow. Yay. He worked 3-9 and I hung out at the mall and in the movies. I had a random guy at the cell phone kiosk charge my phone for a bit for me. Then I went shopping and picked up some ginger ale for that hung over pal of mine. I then went to Panera and then saw Meet the Fockers. It was decent.

Craig and I then went back and watched Breakfast at Tiffany's and destroyed the I Am Sam DVD. It deserved it. We cut it in half and destroyed it and now we each have a half. It's the Friendship DVD. Yay.

I then took him to a diner for his birthday. For Christmas he got me the special version of West Side Story, for which I am grateful. Of course, I'm so po' I feel bad about not being able to afford presents. :(

So yeah, then today we woke up and I went to the train station, then got back here around 5ish. All in all an eventful weekend. I heart NYC.

Now for the busy week ahead of me.

Oy.
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Dec. 29th, 2004 @ 02:41 pm Metaphor anyone?
Okay, so I have another metaphor. My life is a Tetris game. I have to keep fitting the pieces in with each other to make them disappear. I'm constantly worried that I'm going to lose though, and unfortunately the game keeps speeding up on me! Argh.

So in other news, I managed to get a 3.5 in precalc! 3.5!!!!!! That's amazing considering I was expecting a 2.0 in that class! I'm a little miffed about the 3.5 in Computer Information Systems since I KNOW I was really close to a 4.0... and she didn't count two points that I know that I had and she said she'd count so whatever... I bitched about that and hopefully I'll get my 4.0.

So as of now I have a cumulative GPA of 3.22!! I'M ON THE DEAN'S LIST!! This is assuming that my World Civilizations III class and my Italian Culture class don't screw me too much... I'm pretty sure I got a 4.0 in Italian Culture (how could I not?). I know in my heart that I aced the final, and the extra credit on the final... and I had probably a 93 average in that class not including the extra credit that I did. So 4.0 here I come...

World Civ is another story...Granted I got a 92 on the book review, but I got a whopping 70 on the test... AFTER it was scaled. So.... I'm hoping that I did a decent job on the final. If I end up with a 3.0 in that class then I'll still have a 3.4 GPA assuming I get the 4.0 in Italian Culture...the lowest I'll get is a 2.5 in World Civ, and a 3.5 in Italian culture so the lowest GPA I could possible have is .... drum roll please.......3.2!!!!! SO I'M ON THE DEANS LIST EVEN IF I DO AS HORRIBLE AS I THINK I COULD!!! Let's hope I don't get lower than a 2.5 in World Civ!! I FUCKING RULE!! I am in such a good mood because of that! Even though I have tons of shit to do!!! wooh hooh!!

--Katie Scarlett
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Dec. 28th, 2004 @ 06:00 pm Truth?
I am so distraught right now. I never know what's true and I never will.

I hate this. I just want to run and never come back. But how can I? My life is here. I owe over 25K to loans... I owe tuition for this semester, a credit card bill, car insurance.

Everything's so confusing, I don't even know if I can explain it all. It's jumbled in my head.

All my life... ALL MY FUCKING LIFE I have been told different sides of the same story. By everyone... My dad, nana, mom, and aunt.

Of course, nana's, dad's and auntie's tend to match up a little more. But I also haven't talked to anyone on my mom's side either. But whatever! I just want to get everyone into a room and have them tell the truth. But that would never happen and if it did, then no one would talk.

I feel like there's no unbiased knowledgeable party to go to. I just know that I need this all to stop. I owe so much fucking money. I have so much shit to do. I hurt.

For the past 17 yaers of my life there has been nothing but turmoil when it comes to my parents. They've been divorced wonderful... stop the fighting! It's not MY fucking fault that my mom couldn't find a suitable staircase after she received my father's seed. FUCK.

My mother keeps pretending that nothing's wrong until I ask her if she's upset that I'm leaving. Then the tears start coming and she says yes. Why can't she just tell me what's wrong to begin with?? She's never going to talk about this with me, so what the fuck am I supposed to do? Read her mind?

She tells me that my grandmother's going to burn in hell for all she's done.. but all I've seen is my grandmother helping me... She bought me a laptop, my car, she's always warm and loving, and nurturing. I've seen her help my aunt by giving her 100K to get through her divorce and shit.. What the fuck?? How is she bad??

Then they say my mother's awful... but I've seen her work three jobs to support me and do whatever she could to help me. No one has any money and no one can do anything. I'm already in the rat race of life which is what I really didn't want. I don't want to have to struggle month to month. It's just not something I find desirable.

My mom's really upset that I'm moving in with my nana... she said if I had just moved into an apartment with Jenn or someone, she'd be fine...

Then when you get upset about one thing, everything starts getting worse. You think about all the other shitty things in your life and it just gets worse...

I think about how I owe so much money... about how my dad's getting old and fatter.. and so is my mother... only she smokes so it's worse... I think about how I'm never going to amount to anything in life and I'm just going to be like every other average person in the world. I hate mediocrity. What the fuck.

Extraordinary = wonderful.

I think of how people suck and I probably don't have that many friends that I think I do.. I refer to people as friends, but they're really only acquaintances.... I mean look at Pip, I was close to him and he fucking had me fooled the whole time. I was just a two and a half year distraction which SUCKS beyond belief.

I think of how I'm going to end up lonely. I have had all these nice wonderful guys that adore me. The poetry writing, non existant movie types... but I can't stand them. Give me an asshole to make me miserable any day of the week. ::sigh::

The Ashleys of the world.

But the question is: What can I do about all this??

NOTHING.

I can't fix the fact that I owe money because I dont' have a job, and I have too much shit to do to have a job, and I'm gonna end up oweing even more money as the semesters go on....

My parents-- Nothing because I'll never know the truth. Everyone has their skewed version of the story, and an unbiased party doesn't exist.

Loneliness-- Well, I can't change me, and if the ones that I adore don't want me, then I can't change that. Fucking Ashleys. Also, I can't help that I end up dropping the ones that really care about me. God knows why they do, I just fucking end up hurting them anyway.. Smarten up...Then again, I guess I am their crazy bitch. Girls like assholes, and nice guys like crazy bitches. It's how things are...

I just want to run. But I can't. I want to run away from everything, and never come back.
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Dec. 28th, 2004 @ 10:20 am BLOB
Okay, so I feel like I wanna lose like 10-15 pounds. Who's with me??? Yea!

I think that I thought I looked fine before because I dropped a shitload of weight in a few months, but now that I've stayed the same size for six months I'm starting to see the imperfections. That's my theory anyway!

So I'm living with my grandmother right now. I still have to get all my crap out of my mother's house. I love living with my grandmother because my aunt is literally three houses away and I get to see Livie and Simon whenever I want (or whenever Olivia wants to see me which is ALWAYS). That's good. But I was thinking, I can never have anyone stay over the house, or even come over the house really. Unless she's here... and then not even then.

I suppose it's a small price to pay, but my mom would let random friends of mine stay over that she'd never even met before. Like I remember I called Buja one day and he happened to be in Boston so I told him to come by, and my mom just let him spend the night on the floor. She's good like that.

Now don't get me wrong, mom's house has cons too....a lot more, but I was just making an observation...

By the way, world, out of sight out of mind with the whole Ashley thing. I mean, I think about him all the time, but not nearly as much as I did when I was at school. Neat huh? I thought so. He's actually kind of a doofus. But an adorable one at that. Haha.

Anyway, I'm getting a new car. So I need to sell my '89 Cadillac DeVille. Any takers? $2000! It has less than 100K miles on it! It's pretty! You know you wanna love Chloe. You just do. DO IT.

I'm getting a '98 Honda something or other that I shall name Trixie Doodle. It flows doesn't it? It rolls off the tongue. Like "vagina." Haha. Nevermind. If Mike R read my journal, he'd appreciate that. Tee hee.

--MK
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Dec. 23rd, 2004 @ 08:31 pm Melancholy
So I'm kind of sad in a weird way. I was packing to go home, and a wave of melancholy came over me. I just thought of how all my friends in college are slowly going away. Dan is leaving this semester to go to New York, and it's just so sad. We got kinda close this semester. Emi's gonna be gone too. Granted she's still like ten minutes away, but still I won't see my other half on campus anymore :(

Steve Buja and Phil will be gone after next semester, and it's just kind of depressing. Steve and I have become pretty close over the past semester as well with our midnight walks around campus and such. Phil and I are just weird. We talk about significant and meaningful things by ourselves, and hang out and junk, but then ignore each other many times in public. I have no idea what the deal with that whole thing is. I probably perpetuate the whole thing. But things are still a little bit weird since September. I know that I have no problem talking to him while inebriated, but that's another story for another time which probably will never come. Moving on...

It feels almost like I'm leaving high school again. It's like removing a band aid. High school's removal is still painful, but at least it's quick and all at once. In college, however, it seems like a slow, agonizing removal of it. Or maybe getting into the ocean is a better metaphor. In high school it's like you get pushed into the ocean, but you get used to the water quickly... when people leave in college it's like they're slowly creeping their way into the ocean but then it takes a lot longer to get used to the water. Maybe both metaphors suck. Who knows? Emi?

I think I'm just sad because I feel like I'm holding onto something that I don't even have. I need more time. I'm trying to force a relationship that just can't be forced. My subject isn't taking the bait. He's sniffin' it a bit, but not biting. It's probably driving him away more when I try too hard. I'd like to think my efforts are helpful, but they're all in vain. I feel like maybe he spends time with me so I won't feel bad. It takes time to get close to people, and I just don't have that kind of time, and neither does this said person. I'm just so intrigued. ::sigh:: I don't know. I just wish I could know more. I wish that I could be the exception. Especially since he could be my exception. The one who makes me want to commit. The one who makes me want to do things to please them. As it is, I try pleasing them in subtle ways I can without being too over the top. But if it were up to me, I'd do anything for them. But probably just because I can't have them. Heh. I wish I knew myself better.

I know that some people just don't call others. I'm not sure I understand why, but I know that it exists. Like Julian never calls me... very rarely will he call me. But I just don't know what the deal is with the whole situation. Maybe there is no deal. Maybe I'm just obsessing.

Either way, I'm just kind of sad. And the rain doesn't help much. I mean, as much as I enjoy rain, tonight's rain isn't good rain. Firstly, it's FREEZING. And secondly it's Christmas Eve Eve... it should NOT be raining.... it should be snowing.

I finally got my Fluxx cards back. Turns out they weren't at Cap's shop, but in Dan's room. Steve's getting a new roommate because Phil's moving into Dan's old single, and some guy named James is moving in with Steve. Steve thinks he could put Dan's single to better use. TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!! Ew.

I'm supposed to hang out with a Mr. Joshua Perry this evening. We were originally supposed to hang out around eight, then it got pushed to nine because of him having to pick up his parents at the airport, and now it's pushed to ten. Oy. I am gonna make him see Phantom sometime. Bwahaha! :-D

Jim Kelley called me today to talk to me about my potential internship this summer. I told him that I was double majoring with a minor and taking winter session and seven classes next semester. He told me not to hurry, but to enjoy the time I have there and get as much out of it as I can. I guess he's sort of right. I just hope that he can help me get my shit together financially. After all he's allegedly loaded, and he owed 100K of student loans when he got out, which he managed to pay within a couple years. Amazing. He should help me get rich. I am supposed to get together with him after Christmas. Hopefully things will work out.

As it is I've said too much. I need to start enacting my card metaphor. You gotta have an ace in the hole....

--Scarlett "Like A Spidah" O'Hara
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Dec. 23rd, 2004 @ 01:03 am Phantom of the Opera
Okay, so I saw Phantom of the Opera in theatres last night with Emi, Mike M, Amy, and Roxie. It was amazing... I think. I mean the acting was decent, but the mouths didn't match up with the words 100% of the time, which irked the shit out of me.

But dude, it's Phantom! So I've decided that Phantom of the Opera has to be my favorite musical. I mean, I thought it was Into the Woods, but ya know, even though the lyrics to ITW are far superior to that of POTO, the POTO music swims in my blood. I love it so much I can't even express it.

I hear it, and I get chills. It is like those movies that just don't exist. With fairy tales, you know nothing like that can happen, but with musicals and movies with charming men, you think "hey, that could happen" which makes it all the more realistic and attainable... and HOT.

The thing I found interesting about the movie is that I actually liked the character of Raoul. I usually hate him and Christine and love only the Phantom. I have to say though, that I enjoyed Raoul this time, and I think I may have ::gulp:: enjoyed him as much as the Phantom... or even more.. :-/ Odd I know. (I still didn't like Christine, though I liked her a lot more in the movie than in the play... though I wasn't quite as jealous when Christine kissed the Phantom this time. She totally wanted the Phantom at points in the movie!) Ahem..

So anyway, overall, a job well done. And Minnie Driver did a great job playing Carlotta I think. Some things bugged me about her, but obviously not big enough to recall.

Overall a good performance-- it made me cry. ::sniffle::

Can we just talk about the HUGE rock that the Phantom gave Christine as an engagement ring?? DAMN! Now we know what he does with his 20,000 Franks a month! Jeez.. .and his room?? Intricate water tunnels and nifty couches and curtains... Come find me, Angel of Music! I'm waiting! Purr.

I enjoyed the symbolism in the movie as well. The rose with the black ribbon. That was neat. That was the final thing that made me cry... go see it!! When the ring is attached to the rose with black ribbon... ::chokes up:: I can't even... talk about it!!

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? GO FUCKING SEE IT!!!

--Katie Scarlett
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Dec. 20th, 2004 @ 02:08 pm Bwahahhaa!
Okay, so I did something evil today. Bwahaha!

I cleaned out my hairbrush...then I took the hair and put it in a piece of paper and folded it up. I then took this piece of paper and made a makeshift envelope which read: To: Stephen Roffi From: Your Secret Admirer (A piece of me so that you can keep me with you always)"

Then I taped it to Pip's door.

HAHA! The best part is that Pip hates hair. If he sees one stray hair that's not attached to someone's head he gets all grossed out. So when he sees a gigantic clump of hair, he's gonna puke (I hope). Tee hee.

I rule. And a special thanks to my roommate for coming up with the aforementioned parentheticals.

So I saw my buddy, Julian this weekend. It was quite exciting considering I haven't seen him aince August. He gets cuter and cuter every time I see him. His hair got slightly longer and he has a beard. Not my favorite look for him, but he's a good guy. He brought me flowers which was nice. In a friendly kind of way.

I'm going on a double date on Tuesday with my roommate. Max and her are going together, and I asked T-Cal because I couldn't think of anyone who isn't gay or busy or far away or wouldn't take the whole thing entirely too serious...

--Schnabs
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Dec. 20th, 2004 @ 12:09 pm Hmph
It's not a good feeling you have when you realize that you were a two and a half year distraction to the person who you were in love with because he was in love with someone else. Not too fun. Not at all. But I suppose curiosity killed the cat. But I'm not dead yet, so I shall continue to be curious and act on it until my curiosity is fully satiated. :) Well, if you know me, you know that I'll never be satisfied. C'est la vie.
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Dec. 20th, 2004 @ 11:19 am You've Gotta Have an Ace in the Hole
So I was thinking yesterday... and I came up with a new metaphor. Now, normally I'm one for being yourself always and laying your cards right on the table for all to see. And if people don't like it, then well, that's their own fault, it's what you have.

I've thinking differently over the past day or so though. It's like a game of poker. Sure you have the cards that you have, and there's nothing you can do about it. It's fate. It's the hand you were dealt. But, you could still get others to fold even if they have a better hand than you. It's all about the poker face and the way you play the game.

Life is kind of like that. You are a certain way and have specific cards. Someone's hand in life could be better than yours, but that doesn't matter because it's all in how you play your cards. You could have this 'superior' person believing that you are superior to them because of the way you play things. So it's not like you're cheating yourself by being something you're not, it's that you're being careful what you let others see and the order in which you let them see it.

I thought of cribbage and how you make sure you play certain cards to get the score of 15 or 31 to get points. Or you build on top of the same cards like pairs and three of a kind. You have the same cards either way, but when played skillfully, you get ahead. It all comes out in the end, regardless, but at least one way you're a winner. (And trust me, those few points in cribbage can be the difference between being skunked or not.)

--Scarlett

P.S. MY ROOMMATE GOT ME THE GONE WITH THE WIND SPECIAL EDITION ON DVD!!!!! joy. :)
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Dec. 15th, 2004 @ 11:36 am Hamid
Last night was a strange night for me.

Recap:

Around 2 PM Steve Buja wanted to start a LOTR-a-thon. I went over around 3 and we started Fellowship and surprisingly I managed to get a lot done. Yay me!

So then we went to Daka around 6 I'd say and then afterwards we finished Fellowship and then went to WXPL for a Christmas radio show which proved to be interesting. Let's just say that they were giving out prizes and the grand prize was a rubber "Fist of Fury." Nuff said.

Then I was just gonna go hang out, but I had mentioned that I had a surplus of alcohol that needed to be consumed by the 20th ish... so I was pressured into drinking back at Mara 6 (not like it took much convincing, despite my 8am class this morning weighing in the back of my mind).

So I got hamid in a record breaking 24 minutes. That's right, folks, 24 minutes and 4 shots of Goldslager is all you need to get a hamid Barbara.

I toasted Madeline Kahn. Naturally.

I end up calling lots of people while inebriated. I called Emi, Craig, Jyotir, Pip, and Crystal (the last two didn't answer).

I started obsessively cleaning their suite. I was in the bathroom a million times (since I drink obscene amounts of water when I'm consuming alcoholic beverages), and I saw dirty dishes, so I decided to do them. Then I went into Phil and Steve's room and started folding laundry that was on the floor. Then I found scripts that Phil must've written (I don't really recall because I WAS in fact hamid) and then started reading them passionately aloud.

I was then escorted from the room by Steve because he didn't know if Phil would be angry that I was reading his personal scripts. I later asked Phil and he wasn't angry with me... for the record. I was running around wearing his fuzzy suede slippers when he returned. We then went for a walk that seemed to last an eternity. A walk in which I cannot remember exactly what was said. I hope I didn't leave myself exposed or anything because that would suck.

So then we got back from walking and I curled up on the chair. I fell asleep and then woke up 20 minutes later with a blanket on me. Then Dan got back at like 315AM and made me go to a bed so I wouldn't be sleeping in a chair. Good guy. I would've hurt this morning had I slept in that damn chair.

Sorry to report that all other events are going into a private entry.... because otherwise I'll sound like a LOSER. Ciao ;)
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Dec. 13th, 2004 @ 10:14 pm Break on through to the other side....
I must solve the puzzle. I'll bet it's simple once you start it. I feel like I'm trying to solve a puzzle the hard way with no picture on the front. Just the plain brown backs of the pieces. And it stays like that until you put the whole thing together and turn it around... carefully... as to not upset the pieces you put together.

Kinder Sorpresa! I almost feel like this puzzle isn't really a good one. But it's gotta be if it's so hard to figure out!!! It'll be like a lame picture at the end. There's only one way to find out. And finding a crappy prize in the kinder egg is better than not knowing at all. Because then you always think it COULD'VE been the light up toy. It's like Peter Griffin... "who can resist the allure of the mystery box?"

I'm hopeless. But it's such fun!!!

I feel like he enjoys keeping up the show. That's right, bitch. Keep it up. I'll break your pretentious facade. And if I don't, then... well... I'll be sad! So damnit don't make it too difficult! Fuck. I resign.... for tonight...

But once I have you, IF I have you, you'll collect dust on my shelf... or I'll enjoy you for a time. Only one way to find out. Give me a fight, but then give up. I want to learn.

Oddly enough, I don't find you appealing physically. But that big sexy brain keeps me coming back for more. GRRRRR! I hate you.
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Dec. 11th, 2004 @ 09:12 pm Meh^2
Current Mood: melancholy
I feel quite melancholy.

Things aren't at all the way I want them to be. I'm so numb, but it's not comfortably numb anymore (Damn you Pink Floyd).

I told my mom at Rose's housewarming party today that I wanted to move in with my grandmother. I thought she was gonna break down and cry. She said that she wanted me to live with her for a little while longer... Until I'm like 30. Seriously!

30! I don't know. Then she told me about this biopsy she has to get done for a lump in her breast. Another one. My parents are so decrepit. I feel so bad I want to cry. My mom has had carpul tunnel, several cysts removed, a hysterectomy, breast cancer, and God only knows how many time's she gotten hurt on the job...(e.g. fallen down stairs, hit by Bread and Circus trucks). I don't know. And she's a heavy smoker and when I look at her I just feel like she's going to die any day now.

Her face is all pale and sunken. She has poofy bags under her eyes and she's put on a bit of weight so she has hardy any neck. And her body isn't exactly fit.

My dad is overweight too. He's legally deaf. I think about 60-70% deaf. And they're both so poor. I just want to cry. I feel guilty when my father gives me money. I feel like I should do everything myself. I have no help. And when I do get help, I feel really guilty about it. I am just numb. Fucking numb. And I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of being fickle. I'm sick of being numb.

I just want to move away and make it all better. But what I can't do all the plans I want to do can I? Shannon and I have to open a bar. But what if I change my mind in years to come? Will she be sad? I'm supposed to move to California or NYC with Craig. Shannon and I are supposed to move to California. I don't know what's going to happen.

I still have at least two more years of school left since I decided to double major with a minor. Stupid Schnabs. But I know I'll regret it if I don't.

Craig-- I really really miss you. I don't know why, but you're someone who actually gives a shit, and I respect your opinion a lot. Weird huh? We're both so fucked up, you from Amanda, me from Pip, and our fucked up family lives. Then again, maybe we don't have it as bad as other people. Who knows? I just know that we're similar and at times I almost ::Gasp:: wish I still lived on the island with ya. You and Jay really made my miserable time at Hofstra bearable. Thank you, Shnookums.
But I digress...

So I'm going to be in school forever, I'm going to get caught in the rat race of life, living paycheck to paycheck (my biggest fear), and die lonely and unhappy. But just like Scarlett, I didn't have to die lonely and unhappy. But it will be my own poor decisions that lead me to my unfortunate end.

(By the way: Craig and I are SO being Rhett and Scarlett for Halloween next year!)

So anyway, I went to a LARPing meeting for Valiant today. George is such a great guy. He cracks me up. I can't put too much about the meeting on here, because KIM will read it and PCs knowing about plot = BAD NEWS.

Well, it seems that my cousin, Olivia, has found me now, so I must depart. I will finish this later. In conclusion, I am quite melancholy.

A big THANK YOU to Emi and Thom for hanging out with me last night and preventing me from doing anything regrettable and keeping my "hamid" secrets. Mille Grazie.

Buona notte,

Katie Scarlett O'Hara
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Dec. 5th, 2004 @ 05:07 pm Ponderings...
I'm feeling very thoughtful today. Perhaps I think too much. Ah, I do. I'm thinking about a lot of things, but nothing all at once. A lot of things are on my mind, just in different places of importance at certain times.

*

Cast party was last night. That was... interesting... to say the very least. For those of you who know, great! For those of you who don't, even better! Heh.

*

Anywho, that's not the purpose of this entry. The purpose is my feelings.

I had a meeting with my father and grandmother today concerning college. Apparently the conclusion we all came to was that my parents can't do a damn thing for my college tuition. Therefore, I must somehow come up with $1093.50 in... well... less than a week! Go me.

I have to move out of my mother's house. I'm sick of the sneakiness. My mother is one of the sneakiest most kniving people in the world. I hate how she doesn't tell me a damn thing. She's taking my father to court, and she's getting $100/ week in child support and how much of that am I seeing? On average, I'd say like MAYBE $10 a week, and that's being generous.

I don't live at home, so theoretically my child support shouldn't be going towards the living expenses in a house where I don't reside. Correct? Correct.

Meh.

I'm going to the counselor at school again tomorrow. I just need her to write a letter to financial aid explaining my situation... have my aunt write a similar letter, and write a letter myself, and then I will hopefully be considered independent and get a break on my financial aid.

It's horrible though, I love going to the counselor because she makes me feel better and makes me realize that I definitely do know how my mind works, and I have a pretty good control over my life, but I feel guilty because I don't want to burden her with my problems. Now I know that sounds crazy because that's what she's there for and that's what she gets paid for, but nevertheless I feel guilty. I feel like once I'm done talking, I should be the emotional pincushion and listen to all her problems.

I'm so used to solving problems. Now anyone reading this, don't think that I don't like helping with problems... because if you're my friend and I love you, then I WANT to help you. Especially YOU, Christine. I love you dearly and will do everything in my power to help you to get to the point you want to be at. I consider you to be like a little sister as well as a friend. That's probably why I play mother so much. But you must admit that my mothering tendencies have helped you. And I miss you bunches. But I digress...

So yeah. So there's that. So I want to move in with my grandmother... she won't charge me rent and she'll take the money my dad will allegedly give her and put it away for college. That would be great! I mean, my mom wants me to get a job next semester. How the hell am I supposed to juggle a job, 7 classes, costumes for two shows, and being in one show? Not to mention working out at the gym, and you know, having a social life. Christ. My dad's side of the family wants me to focus on school. Why can't she be so supportive? Grrr.

I just feel like I don't know anything. I want to feel again. It's getting close to Christmas. The tree will be up soon in my house. Jules will be home to help me decorate. God I hope he decorates the tree with me. I miss him. Way to fucking be in school in Chicago, Jackass. I miss his mom. Then again, I always favored his mother. Aww, Lynn. :)

But Christmas is coming and I was just feeling it. It's very odd. You ever just FEEL certain times of the year from deep within? Like the first time in spring when you can go outside, and it's a warm, clear day. You don't need a coat, and you can just SMELL and FEEL the season. It's intangible. It's marvelous.

It's like that around Christmas. You just feel the warmth and love the second you press play on the CD player. Christmas carols bring back such grand memories. I was just dancing around the kitchen with my aunt Paula and my grandmother, and I just felt... so happy for the moment. "Best to take the moment present as a present for the moment."

I love my grandmother too. She's the most amazing woman ever. Everyone should have a grandmother like mine. If there is a grandmother better than mine, I should like to meet her because I don't believe she exists.

**

I want to feel again. I don't feel and I just wish someone would come along and make me feel. I'm afraid to let myself go. Even if someone was capable of making me feel, would I let them? As I've said before, my life is an open book, yet I'm completely disconnected from people. I let people get in, and know whatever they want about me, but I don't let myself feel for them. I'm scared. It's so hard... I trusted 'the unwashed' as Mike Rogers would call him, for so long. I was so brainwashed that even after finding out all the horrible things he did to be behind my back, I STILL defended him. I was so convinced of his love that I thought he would never do anything so horrible to me.

But I clearly was wrong. People suck no matter how you slice it. He was a scum bag... maybe not at first, but he had the potential in him and then just ran with it. He even had one of his best friends (Justin A), convinced that he was an upstanding person. That's talent.

Now I am afraid to let myself go. Perhaps that's why I so easily discarded Justin M. Either that or because Pip hurt me so badly I'm trying to take it out on all the other males in the world. Which could be possible. But it's unfair to make every potential interest suffer for one man's mistake isn't it?

It's unfortunate though...I don't know if I'll ever fully let myself go the way I did back then. Back when I was innocent and naive....Now I'm jaded and cynical. Numb.

Even last night when that event took place at Emi's, I avoided his eyes. I'm so frightened of the thought of anything significant and serious. I'm afraid first and foremost that I will end up hurting someone because that seems to be the common trend. Secondly, and less important is that I'm afraid that I will get hurt too. I am afraid that maybe if I look at people that I could potentially care for in a particular and significant way, then I could potentially really start caring... and then maybe even let myself go and get hurt once again. Then again, I think that if the right person comes along, then I won't have to worry about all that because it'll fix itself. Of course, I could just be living in a fantasy world.

That's why movies suck. They make people out to be something that they're not. There ISN'T a John Cusack to come and sweep you off your feet. Life isn't like that. "There are no happy endings because nothing ends."

Then I'm sure by this point that I'm so fucked up that I'm just going to lead myself down a path of emotional destruction. Or worse, do that to someone else. Because as I've said, I'm strong enough to handle it, but who knows if anyone else is.

Oh well. (Craig! You still up for adopting a kid and living the platonic life? I hope so, because that seems to be the route we're both headed...that is if I know anything about you and me. :) I love you though.)

I'm less concerned with myself getting hurt though. I know now that I can handle anything. I used to cry on average once a day or once every two days. Those days are over. Maybe I think I'm numb because I don't cry as much anymore. Maybe it was always like this before, but I'm so used to crying that I don't know any other way now. And without tears and sadness, I can't appreciate the happiness. Life is full of extremes. Without sadness you can't truly appreciate the happiness because you don't know the opposite emotion. I've learned this over the years. Despite my hatred and discontent with him, Jerkface taught me a lot of life lessons. An important one being "Trust your gut" which would've gotten me out of a lot of heartache had I done that with him. But ah, the powers of manipulation.

I must go though, for I fear I've written a novella. I think too much. Someone, anyone, everyone, please comment. I enjoy criticisms and opinions to add to my ponderings.

"Will you raise me up?
Will you help me down?
Will you help get me right out of this Godforsaken town?
Will you make it a little less cold?
Will you hold me sacred?
Will you hold me tight?
Can you colorize my life I'm so sick of black and white?
Can you make it a little less old?"--Meatloaf

--Katie Scarlett O'Hara

P.S. I'm SO going to end up like Scarlett. No Rhett. Nothing sentimental. Just cold thoughts to keep me company at night.
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Nov. 29th, 2004 @ 03:34 pm Stress stinks. Nothing works.
I am so stressed. I went to counseling services on campus today and I realized just how fucked up and traumatizing my life over the past few years has been.

Lotsa fucked up shit has happened.... and it sucks, but I guess it makes me who I am. I have to become and independent person now for the sake of financial aid. I have to write a letter to financial aid containing my situation and they determine whether or not I should be independent. They most likely will and then I'll get more financial aid.

I'm emotionally drained. There's so many things I want to write here, but I just don't feel I can. I'm so drained. I miss Pip... or the idea of him anyway. The fact that I once looked up to him and his opinions. And that I cherished him in the way that I did. I don't feel that way about anyone right now. I don't respect anyone's opinion as much as I did his.

I found that I know myself very well. I think I've psychoanalyzed myself enough and made enough hypotheses to determine a fair analysis. . . I'M CRAZY. That's the simple way to put it. But of course there are many layers. Many many layers.

I'm never happy. Just content. And despite the fact that I let everyone know anything about me, I'm still disconnected from people. I may laugh and joke and have a good time, but I don't feel as I once did. I miss emotion. I miss feeling.

Despite my crying these past couple weeks, I still feel like I'm completely numb. I'm not living, I'm only existing. I don't know if it's my fault or not. I think I'm just sick of being the emotional pincushion for the past God knows how long.

I think that I've let my emotions get the better of me for so long that now I don't have any. Like, I used them up.... it's almost as if in life you get a certain amount of feelings and I used mine all up in the first 20 years of existence.

I have no more to say at this time.

"I'll think about that tomorrow."
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Nov. 29th, 2004 @ 10:20 am My conscience hurts
Okay so I could do my Phil impression for quite some time now. But recently it's gotten really good. It has layers.... the pitch of the voice is right, the gum shoe terminology, the lisp, and the facial expressions are all there. I'm damn good. But too many people know about it now and I feel bad.

Of course it's my own fault. I shouldn't have shown so many people. But why shouldn't they experience the delight of my impression. (Oh NO! There I go using words like 'delight' and such. 'And such???' What am I thinking???)

So I think doing impressions is scary.... like you'll get stuck like that... like when your parents tell you not to cross your eyes because they'll stay like that. I find it hard to stop talking like that once I get started. I called someone a falsifier yesterday! FALSIFIER! Not a liar... but a falsifier!!! Am I mad?

Well, bottom line is that I feel mean for doing an impression of him because though it does him justice (because it's dead on) it's not so flattering.... So I must tell him that I did it before he finds out from someone else.

Mike Rogers said that I should leave him a voicemail pretending to be him.... I think I should do that only pretend to be his conscience. "Phil... this is your conscience.... heal the world." I donno.. I'm going off on a tangent now... Luckily not many people know my LJ name :-D

--Scarlett
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Nov. 18th, 2004 @ 05:54 pm Evil.
I am evil.... but funny. Here is a reason I just thought of:

Pip slept over one night like a couple months ago. He needed boxers to sleep in or something... he needed boxers for some reason... So I gave him Justin's boxers to wear. HAHAHAHAHAA! They were huge because Pip needs a small boxer, but Justins are XL. Tee Hee.

So Pip didn't know until the next day when I said "Hey Pip... guess whose boxers you're wearing?"

HAHAHAHAHAHA MY EXES PRACTICALLY RUBBED THEIR TESTES TOGETHER!!! BWAHAHHAHAA!

Oh, you know you love it. ;) hehe.
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Nov. 16th, 2004 @ 09:32 am Evil?
Current Mood: apathetic
I was walking up the stairs to my dorm around 8:30 this morning and who do I see coming down the stairs? Pip's new girlfriend, Sarah. Wearing his shirt. She is so plain. I would much rather be ugly. Then at least people would remember me. "OH! The ugly broad? Yeah I remember her." Not "Barbara? Hmm... I don't recall..."

Now I know that I don't want to be with Pip, but as his ex, I feel it's my duty to make him cheat on her. I owe it to myself. After all, he made me cheat on Justin, Jeff, and Connick. It's only fair right? It sucks when you're in love. I'm glad I'm not anymore, but in another sense I wish I still was. Meh.

I kinda feel mean because this girl is really nice or whatever... or so she seems, but the whole thing is, she doesn't know what she's getting herself into. Besides, I feel like he deserves to have to deal with the guilt of cheating on her. I feel really mean, but I DON'T CARE! Ha. Take that society. AND she has his biggest pet peeve: Love handles spilling over the back of her pants!

I'm numb. Always numb. Sure I have fun with my friends, but I don't feel like I used to. I wish I could. It will never be the same again. I'm jaded. Oh well. I wish I cared more about that. C'est la vie.
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